Alistair Begg’s Big Mistake

The Missing Account of a Deeper Sexuality Discipleship

In a podcast recorded last year, the prominent evangelical radio preacher Alistair Begg, after being asked by a grandmother whether she should attend her grandson’s marriage to a transgender person, advised her to go as an act of love and support. He said that if the gay or transgender couple knows of the grandmother’s commitment to Christ, and her disapproval of the marriage, she should feel free to attend the wedding as an act of love and support. Pastor Begg got immense blowback. His radio ministry was taken off some radio stations. John MacArthur denounced him for encouraging the celebration of her grandson’s stepping into the fury of God’s judgement and withdrew an invitation to speak at his conference. Such is life these days in the media world of evangelical America. But did pastor Begg really make a mistake?

Take a step back for a minute and let’s change the question slightly. I do not know the circumstances of the grandson’s transgender marriage, but let’s just ask the question more generically. Should I as a Christian, show support to my grandchild in marrying a non Christian?  Whether my grandchild is entering into a marriage with a non-Christian, or is a non Christian, should I attend and support a wedding that does not embody Christian commitments?

With Alistair Begg, I say “yes,” because attending such a wedding can be 1.) an act of witness to Christ and 2.) a show of love and support. With Rev. Begg, I say this support/witness can happen only if the ones getting married know of your own Christian faith, and know how Jesus shapes your specific commitments within marriage. In such a case, attending the wedding can be more than an act of friendship, it can be an act of witness. Because, by showing up at his/her/their marriage, you are in essence 1.) being present as a witness to another possibility for marriage, and 2.) are present in love and support, thereby opening up avenues (instead of shutting them down) for more love and support allowing God to work in the future of your grandson’s marriage. For these reasons, I say “yes” to the grandmother.

Red Flags!!

Now I already know that the phrasing of this question will raise red flags of all sorts for Christians, whether conservative or progressive. For the progressives, it assumes a difference (a radical difference) between a Christian and other forms of marriage. This appears excluding and judgmental. For conservatives, on the other hand,  phrasing the question this way presumes upon Christians to support marriages that lead to peoples’ disobedience, self-destruction and demise (especially in regard t LGBTQ marriages), and a  disavowal of our witness.

But actually, I want to suggest neither is the case if we as a people/a church have a discipleship process, when it comes to sexuality and marriage, that is part of our way of life. I need to explain why, but for now, I contend that a regular process of sexuality discipleship in our churches, that is part of everyday life as Christians (kind of like the Eucharist), makes possible the Christian attending a non-Christian (or perhaps a gay marriage) in love. Indeed, Alistair Begg’s “yes” to the grandmother, only makes sense if indeed the “yes” is part and parcel of an offer of a process of discipleship. But the problem is that most churches don’t have this kind of discipleship. Not accounting for this, seems to me, to be Alistair Begg’s big mistake?

Allow me to explain.

On Witnessing to the Difference Between Christian and Non Christian Marriage

In Begg’s podcast interview (see it here), he said that if the grandson knows of the grandmother’s commitment and non-approval, then she is good to go to the wedding and show love and bring a gift. But these conditions are only possible if there is a discipleship process from within which the grandson could make sense of his grandmother’s commitment to Christ and how that connects to the shaping of a marriage? But most churches do not have such a discipleship process for those getting married or being single, or for those sorting out gender and sexuality. Most churches have pre-marital counseling, but such counseling rarely goes beyond compatibility tests, conflict resolution styles. They do not connect Jesus to the practice of marriage, sexuality and gender. Many churches have policy statement pronouncements - Affirming or Not Affirming. But that’s it. No discipleship practices are offered for those getting married, staying single, sorting out gender and sexuality

But I contend, without such discipleship processes, making sure the grandson knows of the grandmother’s disapproval of the wedding comes off like just another judgmental controlling act. Without a church offering discipleship processes in one’s sexuality, gender, marriage, singleness, as the backdrop to Begg’s advice to the grandmother, Begg looks like he’s a self-expressivist libertarian encouraging grandmothers to endorse any and all kinds of weddings. And so this is Alistair Begg’s big mistake: he assumed that his advice to the grandmother can make sense apart from a discipleship process that is available and inclusive to all. It can’t!!

In the life of a church, every wedding presents an occasion to give witness to God’s transformative power at work in the forming of a marriage. It is an occasion for defining what marriage is and isn’t for Christians. We can no longer assume that what marriage means in the culture, and what it means under Christ, is the same thing. And yet, this distinction seems lost among protestant churches in N America (Among both evangelicals and protestant mainline, Catholics I think do a better job at this). Amidst the culture wars surrounding 2SLGBTQIA+ sexuality and gender, Christians have lost awareness of the difference Jesus makes for our practice of marriage.

And so, if the couple getting married do not know what distinguishes a Christian and a non-Christian marriage, if they only know a policy statement of not-affirming from the home church of the grandmother, then her disapproval of the wedding comes off as an act of condescending judgement. But if there has been an regular open invitation into a sexuality discipleship process to all sexualities, genders, especially heterosexuals, as part of a way of life, then I believe attending the wedding of a loved one, can act as a reminder of that person’s commitment to Christian marriage, and it can do so (emphasis on “can”) in a non-judgmental supportive way, as well as a commitment to love the couple in a way that leaves open a pathway to those practices of marriage when times of crisis come in the new marriage, and they surely will come to every marriage.

The Need for a Discipleship Process for Marriage, Singleness, Sorting Out One’s Sexuality, Gender.

This all gets to the main point of this post: the church needs to put aside the culture wars (the church has lost any authority on the issue of marriage/sexuality in culture anyways), and focus on offering a discipleship pathway for all persons, single, committed to being single, intending to be married, working on staying married, sorting out one’s sexuality and gender, how we relate to one another sexually, all under the Lordship of Christ, for his purposes. And of course, this should be open to all persons whose sexuality and gender has been tainted by the ravages of abuse, bad gender constructs (like toxic masculinity), pornography, family dysfunction, the sexualization of bodies in culture, etc etc., and heterosexuals should be first in line.

Such a discipleship process would NOT set forth a new set of rules and ideals ala Purity culture. Rather it would describe what kinds of commitments and practices make possible a union of two people in mutual submission to Christ and His working among them. It would describe marriage as a calling of God, versus a contractual arrangement to get my needs met, or find my self-fulfillment in another person. It would describe marriage as a joining together for each other’s growth and sanctification, in relation to God. It would describe a commitment to raise children. It would be based on the respect of one another’s bodies as given and created, how we do not commoditize, or use one another’s bodies, instead we give ourselves to one another in mutuality. Such a discipleship process would deconstruct the various attractions, scripted desires we have been trained into via culture and its media. It would differentiate lust from attraction. We would learn together how marriage cannot be based on immediate sexual attraction, although as we give ourselves over to each other, and the unique melding of sexuality, love, commitment, grows attraction over time, attraction itself becomes a wonderful fruit of a life lived in commitment to one another, even when we get old, and wrinkly (this requires a deconstruction of cultural constructs of attraction). We would learn that husband and wives MAY have different roles, but never is one spouse over another but always submitted one to another in the presence of Christ (Ephesians 5:20). Such a Christian marriage is based in mutuality. And the presence of Christ in the space of marriage is key.

Granted many may have convulsions today at the thought of the church doing any kind of discipleship with regard to sexuality and gender. The church after all has been a dumpster fire for guidance on secxuality and marriage for years. But the church is reaping the fruits of a failed discipleship in all things sexuality, gender, singleness and marriage. And so we must put our focus on discipleship instead of foisting our failures on the broader culture through laws, book burnings, and school board takeovers?

Showing Love/Support to a Non-Christian Marriage

From this backdrop of discipleship, offered freely with no coercion, we attend weddings of friends and people we love and walk with those who enter non-Christian marriages of various kinds. We go to offer love and support. We go not to judge everybody’s marriage, but instead represent that we wish blessings to all, and our presence at the wedding represents an open invitation to the renewal of marriage made possible in Jesus Christ. The church is a way of life. Part of this way of life is marriage and singleness and the discipleship into these ways of life. This discipleship is always open to everyone. We offer it to the world.

Objections

Some may object to this post because:

1.)As, already mentioned, the church has been a massive failure at all these things I am talking about. The church has promoted toxic masculinity, patriarchal abuse, etc. So why would anyone ever trust the church to do any of this important work? I acknowledge all of this to be true. Which makes the call to discipleship all the more urgent.  The church needs to take up this challenge as the church in mission amidst the chaos, conflict and confusion of our cultures relating to all things sexuality and gender, most of which was stirred by the church’s highly defensive, judgmental and ill-equipped to engage in discipleship.

2.)This post may seem to assume the wholesale rejection of non-heterosexual marriage as Christian. And yet, that is one of the things I have not said, because I do not believe it is possible to say this to ourselves, our children, and our cultures, outside of a discipleship practice that delineates in real lives what it means to follow Jesus in our sex lives, and what difference Jesus makes in marriage, singleness. At the present time, the way most Christians define marriage - based in attraction, romanticized feelings, and self fulfilment – there’s no way to exclude 2SLGBTQIA+ persons from such marriage that does not feel exclusionary, judgmental and rules-based/policy based that does damage to the witness of Christ.

I do not believe Christian marriage is based in attraction, romanticized feelings, and self fulfilment. Of course some of this happens as a product of the practice of Christian marriage, but all this takes deconstruction and discipleship to even make sense. And so a discipleship process, seriously making space for conversations, practices, understandings of what makes for a Christian practice of marriage is where the churches must start. This is the work that lies ahead of the churches, if they would be able to shape lives, and guide marriages and singleness as a witness to the Kingdom of God in Christ. 

In closing, if I could summarize this post - in response to the Alistair Begg dust-up - it is this:

The church needs discipleship practices, not policy statements. These practices will be open to all, in other words inclusive, invitational, never coercive, and BTW heterosexuals should be the ones first in line.